My first time on stage since 아빠 died.

A reflection for Father's Day.

Hi friends,

This week’s piece is about performing on stage for the first time since 아빠 died.

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With love,
Jieun

On March 18, 2025, Greg, Haejoon, and I drove to Long Island City and attended Asian American Arts Alliance’s March Town Hall. They have a theme for every town hall, and March’s theme was Poetry.

At every town hall, artists are given the opportunity to pitch a project. The first and only time I had pitched anything was in May 2023, right before 아빠 began to die. Greg and I played “Together Apart” and talked about being cancer caregivers.

The last time I performed was in June 2023, at a Sofar DC show.

The last time I performed was in September 2023, at Fairfax Hospital, doing one last show for 아빠 before he left this world forever.

The last time I performed was in October 2023, at 아빠’s funeral at Fairfax Memorial Park, singing 아리랑, while Greg played guitar and friends and family laid flowers on 아빠’s casket.

At the beginning of 2024, I set a goal for myself to record and release one song every month. Between January and June, we recorded and released six beautiful, original songs. I recorded these songs pregnant and full of grief.

Playing shows felt impossible.
Recording was the best I could do.

Playing shows felt like a distant dream.
Playing shows felt too exposing.
I did not want to be witnessed.

I wanted to get back on stage, but there was a giant boulder of grief in the way.

On March 18, at A4’s March Town Hall, poet and musician, Taiyo Na, opened us up by performing his poetry for us.

I had originally planned on pitching Asian American Art Club that day — I had prepared a slideshow presentation and everything. But hearing Taiyo read his poetry inspired me to seize this opportunity and perform, too.

I had never done a public reading before. I quickly searched through my Substack letters for a piece to read, and then it came to me: I was going to read the letter I wrote for The Faraway Nearby — Grief, motherhood, and mandu.

When it was my turn to pitch, I walked up on stage. The lights were bright. I was nervous. I looked out at the audience. My friend David was sitting in the middle, towards the back. I took the microphone off the mic stand, as I’ve always done, for the first time in a year and a half.

I began to read my words.