Stories of Appa: Part 1

Remembering 아빠 on my first Father's Day without him.

Hi friends,

Growing up, we didn’t really celebrate Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. Neither of these holidays are observed in Korea on the same days, or in the same ways, as they are celebrated in America. In Korea, we celebrate Parents’ Day (어버이날) and Children’s Day (어린이날), but I never celebrated these holidays growing up either.

My dad’s birthday is on June 30th, so that’s also why we didn’t really celebrate Father’s Day — we would just celebrate him on his birthday. As a kid, I would give him little Father’s Day crafts, a card, and say, “Happy Father’s Day, 아빠!” In my later years as an adult, I would FaceTime him on Father’s Day and say, “Happy Father’s Day, 아빠!” and ask him about his day.

I miss hearing him say, “Hi 지!” in his distinct voice, with a big smile on his face. I miss saying “Happy Father’s Day, 아빠!” to him.

I have a distinct memory of one particular Father’s Day when I was little. I don’t remember how old I was, but I was a little girl — maybe 5 or 6 years old — and I made him this paper necktie craft, either in misul hakwon or school. I colored and cut out a piece of paper with a necktie shape on it — in my memory, I made the tie striped and colored it in crayon. I made it cobalt blue and canary yellow. I cut and folded another piece of paper into a small, 3-dimensional box and I glued the tie onto a flap of paper inside the box. Inside the box, I rolled up the paper tie, so when he opened it, the tie would pop out.

For some reason, this is a treasured memory for me.

Even though Father’s Day wasn’t a significant holiday in my family, ever since 아빠 died, every holiday, and every special day, holds new significance. These special days come heavy with grief. They come heavy with regret.

I wish I had done more for 아빠 on Father’s Day. I wish I had gotten him a gift every year. I wish we threw him a big celebration every year. I wish I cooked him his favorite foods every year — 부대찌개, 순대, 족발, 보쌈, 만두, 라면, 삼겹살, and 고등어구이. I wish I went golfing with him every year. I wish we didn’t under-celebrate Father’s Day just because his birthday was close by. I wish we developed our own special Father’s Day family traditions that we carried with us throughout the years. I wish I made him feel special on Father’s Day.

Remembering is a sacred act. Remembering magically and tragically brings our loved ones back to life. Our memories are a way for us to visit the people we’ve lost, and for them to visit us. Today, as hard as it is, I want to remember 아빠, and all of the incredible ways he showed up for me as my 아빠.

For all my friends who have become fatherless children, I see you. I’m with you. I am you. You’re not alone in feeling all of the overwhelming, massive, subtle, blindsiding, completely shattering, and quietly devastating emotions that are coming up for you today and this week. I’m feeling them, too. We’re allowed to feel them all.

These waves of grief come in and out, but they’re likely all the way in today. Maybe we feel engulfed by them; maybe it feels like they’re swallowing us whole; maybe we’re feeling completely numb because our emotions are overwhelming us beyond the point of feeling anything. Wherever you’re at, know that you’re going to be okay. Surviving is the goal. Surviving is the victory. I have so much love for all of us.

I hope we’re all able to move through today, and the next few days, with the utmost gentleness and kindness towards ourselves. We are surviving the unsurvivable, and that is more than enough.

With love,
Jieun • 지은이 언니 • 지은이 누나

My mom always said I got my 운동 체질 — my athletic ability — from 아빠. We were both very high-energy, very intense, and very competitive people.

Growing up, I played so many sports — I played soccer, basketball, Hapkido, Kumdo, swimming, tennis, and golf. My mom wanted me to have the opportunity to play every sport I wanted, so she enrolled me in all of the activities, and I played them all with 아빠. 아빠 was my first coach — he taught me all of the sports and I practiced all of the sports with him. On top of the sports, he taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me how to rollerblade, and he taught me how to jumprope.

Growing up, I loved basketball. My mom, my dad, and I would watch NBA games together on the television. When I was a little girl and we lived in Springfield, Virginia, there was a basketball court that 아빠 and I would regularly go to at my elementary school, which was only a 10-minute walk from our home. 아빠 and I would walk over to the basketball court together — there was a shortcut that cut through the woods that we would take to get to the court. For a couple of hours in the evening, or on the rare free weekend, 아빠 would help me practice my shot. He would correct my form, help me set up my stance, retrieve the ball, bounce-pass the ball back to me, celebrate every successful shot, and throw some shots himself.